Unlocking Our Light

In the last year, I made a clean sweep. What I mean by that is that I made a conscious decision to remove anything or anyone that no longer served me or my purpose. It sounds easier than it actually was and may even sound selfish to some reading this but let me explain. Lets talk about toxicity for a second and the effects it has on our everyday. 

Our heath is so much more than just breaking a sweat during a workout and that salad we have for lunch. Our mental health is just as important. I was once a person that talked to people even after they were unkind. I was someone who supported others even when they didn’t support me. I was that girl in a relationship that lasted way longer than it should have knowing it was no longer good for me or my psyche. Yup, that was all me. I spent hours on the phone gossiping, speaking and consuming unkind things towards myself and others. I was also the girl who battled depression, weight issues, imbalances in my life, and someone who was fixated on the past. This was all the effects that toxicity was having on me. It was also all a result of my choices whether conscious or unconscious. 

When I was in high school, I was presented with the case that we are a product of our environment. THIS! This right here stuck with me but it wasn’t until years later that I truly began implementing what it actually meant.

The choices I was making were either leading me towards the person I aspired to be or taking me away. The conversations I was taking part in, the media I was consuming, the friendships, the men I was dating. It was all connected. I had hopes and visions for my life and I was engaging my time towards things that were the complete opposite. The hardest part of this included family. 

Lets’ come back around to the selfish aspect of this shall we? I have met many people who don’t reach their full potential often because of what they allow their families to project on to them. Now, that sounds vague so lets get down to the nitty gritty of that statement. So many of us, myself included can be held back because of the visions our families have for us. This can become a vicious cycle of toxicity. We are so caught up in their ideas and visions of life that we tend to bury our own. Toxic. We allow this one and that one to project their unfortunate events on us because we feel bad. We do, after all, know they’ve had it tough because we were most likely there for it. 

Even within families, I often say that we could all grow up under the same roof and be completely different, having different views and paths. And that is absolutely ok. But when it gets to a point where we as separate entities are being held back because of what the word family represents, there’s no growth to be had in that. I have come to difficult roads where even family has to be loved from a distance. Sure, we all have “stuff” but when that “stuff” trickles over into hinderance and we aren’t able to be our best self, there’s a problem. Selfish? Well, some may argue that. I am a firm believer that we were all born to live lives of freedom, pursue happiness as we see fit and the right to shine that light that we all carry within. That being said, we do no one good so long as we are dimming that God given light by making excuses for that which is clearly unhealthy. Just because it shows up in the form of a title one may have to you all on the basis of genetics, doesn’t make it ok.

I had to take a hard look at my habits. That meant the music I was listening to, the tv shows I was watching, the conversations I was choosing to dedicate my time and mind to. Toxic, toxic and more toxic. No wonder there were long bouts of unhappiness and feelings of uncertainty. I had to rewire and regroup. I have a LONG way to go but I tend to catch myself a lot more now a days before I jump into anything that doesn’t reflect the woman I aspire to be. I made mental checklists and man, a lot had to go and a lot had to change.

Theres a quote thats always stuck with me and its that you are your five closest friends. Hmmm…Was I friends with people who were motivated/motivating? Were my friends driven, purposeful and or goal oriented? Were they optimistic and people who I could learn from and in turn teach what I had learned? Were our conversations one of mindfulness and growth? Was there an equal amount of giving in my friendships? Super imperative because you never want me to be the only one giving, whether literally or metaphorically. This one became even more important for me as I got older because I learned to value time that much more. I had to make some hard changes. I had to redefine things for myself and then prioritize accordingly. 

For much of my life, I was a person who dreaded conflict and couldn’t bring myself to tell other’s about things that bothered me.  I stayed friends with people long after the expiration date had come and passed on the friendship. I wanted to help everyone and I was so sure I could until I finally had the aha moment that was so needed. It wasn’t my job to save others. My only responsibility was to myself. That is a hard truth we so often refuse to accept. I was trying so hard to get others through their “stuff” failing to realize more often than not they didn’t even want the change. Well, wait a minute. What did I really think I was going to accomplish then? I wasn’t thinking. So, slowly but surely I worked on that and I learned to detach myself. That part of my life was super draining and it was because I was pouring water into a bucket that had holes in it. I was never going to fill that bucket but I wasn’t focusing on trying to find the holes. 

There’s a universal saying that we can not pour from empty cups. So. Much. Truth. Man, now this! This right here? That was it. I make jokes with my best friend now saying “snip, snip” to mock that which is the job of a pair of scissors. Thats my way of saying look, if it isn’t serving you or your purpose, it’s got to go! Theres no room for that. I believe strongly in energy and I think that everything has energy. We all deserve to be carriers of good energy and have that good energy around us. It all begins with choices though.

So, now let’s ask ourselves who and what are we trying to be in this life? Now look around you, love. Let’s take inventory. Is that thing or person helping you or deterring you from becoming who you were destined to be? Are you and your choices helping or deterring you from grasping hold of that beautiful light that only you can turn on?

Food for thought. I continue on my journey of trying to figure out what does and doesn’t work best for me. What is and isn’t productive to my betterment and growth. Be kind to yourself. Its a process. Wishing everyone the strength and courage to side step that which doesn’t serve our growth. Hoping for all, happy paths towards self and dreams.

With Love.