Living and Walking in Your Truth
I’m a firm believer that life gives us what we need exactly when we need it. That being said, I’ve lost track of the times I’ve received exactly what I was in need of. Say I needed a sign, was trying to figure something out, going through a hardship and was presented with an aha moment, a person who was going through something similar or the answers I needed on where to go next. I was hesitant to write this and quite frankly unmotivated. But just as life has shown me time and time again, people and content showed up telling me I had to so here goes.
I’ve wanted to be an actress since I was a child because it was acting that allowed me to feel confident. I wasn’t a child who had many friends and was often times awkward. Acting provided me with a form of acceptance. As I got older, I became more and more aware to the fact that films and television were my escape and release from troubling times in my life. Having a dysfunctional family while trying to figure out self as a young girl can be a strong combination of confusion. I would go to the movies with my older brother and at times alone. I started to feel my mood shift and I told myself one day, I want to help other people also feel this and have an escape. From then on, acting wasn’t just about me it became bigger than me. Into my 20’s I came to fully grasp that my purpose was to help others because nothing gave me stronger joy.
I became less and less afraid by my mid to late 20’s to openly speak about my traumas, my hurts, my trials and tribulations, my experiences because I knew in owning what had been my past, I was not only setting myself up for my future but I was helping anyone else out there that may be going through what I had once.
Fast forward to current day and I wanted to create Purpose and Chai. A safe place for others to come and read my experiences, share theirs, and know that no barrier could keep us down. For us to come together and realize we are powerful beyond belief and capable of anything.
Most times in my culture, we are made to suffer in silence. We are not encouraged to speak our truths let alone walk in them. This can be a very dangerous thing from my experience. As someone who struggled with depression and anxiety, I saw the effects of associating my experiences with shame and emotion. The sooner we identify the issue and acknowledge it, only then can we begin the healing process. Last week I received text messages from the women in my family in regards to my blog and topics I discuss. Their focus was on not having family business out in the open and that I was speaking up in hopes of garnering wealth and fame lol. I learned an important lesson after a failed relationship: people can only operate from the level of consciousness they are at. Thats it. Nothing more. Nothing less. So we can not expect things from people that they do not have to give. I mention this to say that when I walk forward in my truth and share my experiences, it isn’t to bash anyone, for example family, but to rather shed a light so that others who have had similar experiences can benefit. It is so important we as individuals have the freedom to share our stories. I had to block those voices. Literally and figuratively. We all grow at different times and we can not fault others for not being where we are but we can also not let their fear dictate how we live our lives. I used to associate fear and shame with the choices I had made and the roads they lead me to but that wasn’t how we were intended to live. Life is more beautiful when lived with our heads held high.
So why was it that after knowing all this I was effected by the negative words of family? Why did I feel the need to try and defend myself against their misunderstandings of me and justify what I was trying to do? I didn’t know in the moment. Last night, my significant other and I had a talk and he asked me the same things I had been asking myself and I came to a difficult truth. At 30 years old, I was still operating from fear. I was still seeking acceptance from those that shared my blood and genes in hopes they would “come around”. We can not fight facts and yet so often we DO!! Why? it’s simple. Fear. We are afraid of not being accepted. Last night’s conversation was telling of what it was I was still holding onto and how I was keeping MYSELF from fully existing. I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m here now and I’ve made it out to the other side so I needed to cut the strings that kept me attached to the past and so closely tied to fear. Only then would I be able to go forward and experience happiness. Temporary pain is easier to handle than the long term pain many may carry around by never coming full circle and having the hard talks with self.
What I know for sure is that we were all meant to become the absolute best versions of ourselves. To live lives free of fear. To shine brightly in the greatness that resides in all of us. To use our experiences and our pasts to catapult us towards our destinies. It is only in the place of truth and lack of fear that our greatest selves reside.