My Road to Love

I knew very early on what my calling was. I was fortunate enough to discover what evoked a passion inside of me and what my life’s purpose would be.

I once heard someone I admire say if you don’t have a goal or a purpose for what you’re doing, you can really get lost in the journey. They went on to say this applied to marriage as well…That our relationships should have purpose. I took this and I ran with it. 

It only made sense that when the day should come when I met that special person, our union mean something outside of just our attraction to each other and the feelings within the immediate relationship. What would us coming together mean outside of only benefiting each other? How would it help our families? How could the things we create together have an impact?  I wanted to one day be a part of a team that carried meaning.  So I created a list of what I would want in a partner and what a successful relationship would mean.

Fast forward, I learned there are many twists and turns along our journeys and I definitely endured mine. I got in a relationship I thought fit what I wanted, only to finally accept after a challenging number of years this wasn’t it. I hadn’t anticipated the turbulence as many of us probably don’t.  I remember after the relationship came to a close, I drove the person to the airport and said goodbye. I sat in in a Carl’s Jr parking lot with my dog crying as the rain drops pitter pattered on my car. I was afraid of what was going to happen next. Right then and there, I said a silent prayer that the next guy I dated would be my husband. It may have sounded crazy to others but I was setting myself up. I wasn’t going to settle for anything less. I decided to put my head down and just work really hard at my goals and worry about everything else as it came.

I’ve heard the saying God works in mysterious ways numerous times but I was about to walk around repeating this like a crazy person. 

3 1/2 weeks later, I walked into one of my jobs (I had 3 at the time. Trying to make it as an actor in LA isn’t always the easiest thing) and I was introduced to a new employee. His name was Sam and I was asked to train him. I didn’t think anything of it and off we went. I am fully aware I’m a extremely talkative person. I like to help people feel comfortable and welcome! So I was chatting it away with Sam and he would respond vaguely but was mostly quiet. At one point I remember turning my back to him and mouthing the words ‘weirdo’ to myself because of how little he interacted. lol. I would later come to know him as a silent observer. When he did do a little talking, he mentioned wanting to go vegan. I got really excited and exclaimed I’m vegan! I can help you with that! At some point he also shared his goals with me and told me why he was in Los Angeles. I was intrigued. Still, not thinking much of it. He asked for my number and I figured it was to help him transition to a plant based diet. A couple of weeks passed and I was oblivious to the fact that when I’d see Sam here and there and he’d ask to get together it was because he liked me. In my defense, I’d been out of the game for awhile now. We kept missing each other and one day as I was walking down the frozen aisle at the grocery store, I got a call from him. He was calling to apologize that our plans kept getting messed up and he wanted to formally ask me out. I was surprised that he would actually pick up the phone to call instead of texting. Right then and there I started to look at the situation differently. We eventually had our first date at a restaurant called Hope. I remember him walking in and just having a different feeling arise in me. I wasn’t sure at the time what it was.

Within the first few minutes Sam said to me “hey, I just want to be honest with you, I’m looking for a life partner and I don’t know if thats you. If its not, cool! But I’d rather we not waste each other’s time.” He put it all out right there on the table. I thought to myself, wow is this real? Who actually says that? We spoke more on personal goals and I saw the vision I had held onto becoming more and more clear. I liked this guy. He was smart, driven, full of purpose and extremely focused. We continued to see each other and that time evolved into 2 1/2 years.

November of 2018, Sam asked me to marry him and continue to work on building our lives together.

I’d be so wrong if I made it seem this was a fairy tale ending. I titled this piece Road to Love because I wanted to be honest about all it took to get here and all it continues to take to stay on the path. I entered this relationship with a lot of unhealed wounds and hurt. Stuff I was aware of and a lot I wasn’t. Baggage from childhood and my previous relationship. I thought I was good at communicating and though I was in other aspects, I wasn’t in a relationship. I considered throwing in the towel many times in the 2 1/2 years because some days I allowed my monstrous ego to get in the way of the fact that I had a partner who wanted to help me through things. I had some heavy abandonment and trust issues that would cause unnecessary disagreements. I had a lot of work to do. That work meant changing a lot of negative thinking, learning to live in the present, letting go of old toxic patterns/people. We worked together. We would sometimes have super tiring and overwhelming conversations, dissecting where we went wrong in the recent argument we had had. I wasn’t used to this type of communication. I was used to arguing and eventual discord. I had to relearn to talk through disagreements and arguments. We reminded ourselves and each other the foundation on which our relationship was built and the importance of remembering we were two different people from two different backgrounds with different views on things. We had to learn to lead with compassion and respect. We created spreadsheets (yes it sounds crazy), with weekly goals for our relationship and how to improve communication. We started to read books together, consume positive content together, and find ways to intertwine and expand our careers together.

I used to think love was supposed to be easy. I realize in my 30’s as an engaged woman that ease and difficulty are things we define. There is always room to grow and learn. Just as I would work on my physical and mental as an individual, I learned I had to do the same as one half of a successful relationship. 

I ponder this quote “why would two spirits join together and travel this perilous journey of life together?” How we choose to answer It can provide as a powerful reminder.